Revenge, Peace and Pickup Trucks

"The best revenge is a life well lived"

My almost-ex dh is now living in Florida, hiding from the child support system. He seems to really be enjoying life...and why wouldn't he be? He has no responsibility, no job, no stress. This has been a huge source of stress for me as I work two jobs, trying unsuccessfully to make ends meet. I'm at a point where I absolutely refuse to let this get me down; I'm going to conquer the hate and the frustration and the anger. My ultimate goal is to acheive true inner peace.

Update: 12/10/11
I just came across this blog that I started back in March of this year. It's actually pretty refreshing to see how much different my life has become since I wrote that. I'm going to try to create a bit of a timeline for you, so be patient with me ;c)

First, I'll explain the "pickup truck" portion of the title. Mere weeks before dh and I split up, I was foolish enough to finance a truck for him (because he'd ruined his own credit). Well, even after we split, he continued to drive that truck, while leaving the payments to fall on me. Eventually, he blew up the truck's motor and then kindly came and parked it in the side yard for me. The truck has since been repossessed (after struggling for several months trying to keep up payments) and it turned out to be a blessing for me....it was simply one more tie to him that I no longer have to carry.

Anyway...In March, I was still pretty stressed out with the whole (lack of) child support and ex drama. To add to it, my father was having a major surgery - one which he had a fair chance of not surviving. Shortly before flying to Florida to spend some time with my father and help my mother, I met a woman online....who lived in Colorado. We immediately became a tad obsessed with each other. This was such a crazy, unhealthy mess, but it kept me from panicking over my father's situation. I'm going to limit myself to saying that, after some tough moments, we remain friends....and thank heavens things happened the way they did because we'd have been a miserable mess together (and I'm sure that if she were to read this, she would heartily agree).

Let's see...April, lost my full-time job because my car broke down and I could no longer make the hour drive to work. I was lucky enough to pick up full-time hours at my part-time job we were barely scraping by; living paycheck to paycheck. DH still wasn't making child support payments, and if my parents hadn't helped out periodically, I don't know how we would have made it.

May - I had recently joined the online dating site "Ok-Cupid". Out of the blue, I received a letter from a woman that lived 170 miles away....yeah, that's right - 3 hours away. The thing is, I really liked her...she was funny, smart, sweet, silly and sexy (what more could you ask for?!?) Apparently, when she found me online, she thought I was MUCH MUCH closer than I was....lucky me ;c) Over the next few months, we talked on the phone, texted, e-mailed and occasionally, when her crazy schedule would permit, she would come down and spend her days off with me. She met my kids - they loved her and she loved them...will wonders never cease?!? Eventually, she asked me to move in with her. I thought it over...for quite a while. I would be packing up and leaving my kids (who were 18 and 19, one in college, the other working) who had always been my life, leaving the area where I grew up to move three hours away where I wouldn't know anyone. On one extended visit with her, I started putting in applications and having interviews. I was offered a couple different jobs but accepted the one at a local call center. I packed up, kissed my kids goodbye and drove to what was to be my new home. Ironically, I didn't end up at that job. They weren't able to get my background check in time for me to start classes so they moved me to the next set of classes a couple weeks later. In the meantime, needing an income, I went to a local temp agency who sent me to an interview at a drug and alcohol treatment facility...I was hired on the spot. As of tomorrow, I will be a permanent employee there and I love it. I work with some great people. My girlfriend and I are doing great - we're so good together, it's almost scary. We've got so many things in common and have such a great time together. She's been more of a parent to my kids than their biological father has been.

Update 8/13
As I look back and read this, I'm amazed at how angry and bitter I was. My life for the last two or three years has been full of peace and serenity, and for that I am so thankful. I feel like I'm a different person; I am a different person. I'm now engaged to my wonderful fiance, who has been the most amazing, supportive, encouraging partner that I could ever ask for! My kids love her, and she loves them (including our brand new granddaughter!) My ex-husband is still doing his best to be a thorn in my side (by hurting the kids at every turn) but I've learned to let it go and just be there to support them....no amount of anger or screaming or threatening will make him become a better person so I've pledged to take all focus off him and put it on the kids.

If you're in a bad relationship, if you're closeted and yearning to come out and live an authentic life, please, please, PLEASE know that it's never too late. You (and ONLY you) have the key to changing your life! Take hold of it and stay strong; I'm not promising it'll be easy, but it WILL be worth it! ♥ ~ Heather ♥

In the beginning....

DISCLAIMER: Mom, if you happen to find this blog, just don't read this. It's pg at worst but still lol

This has been the hardest thing for me to write about; not because I have a problem with it, but it's all just kind of jumbled up in my mind, and it's a little hard getting things into some semblance of order so that I can write it out and have it make sense to others. Usually when I write a blog it flows much more smoothly than this mess (and sometimes I'm even funny lol) but right now, I just trying to get out my background story so bear with me. Sometimes I'm prone to a little tmi, but I try to only go there if it's integral to the story ;c)

I grew up in a household with loving but very strict, overprotective and religious parents. My earliest memory of anything even close to sexual awareness was at about the age of 8; a friend had spent the night at my house and during the night apparently rolled over and snuggled to me. I woke up with her next to me and immediately panicked, thinking she was gay. At that age (and having been very sheltered) I didn't even have the word for gay...my cousin explained gay to me around 11 years old, when I'd asked a question about our uncle. The only thing that I can think of that might have provoked that kind of response happened when I was very little: I remember as a very small child (maybe 4?) following a neighbor girl everywhere and thinking she was just amazing (she was very mature...at least 6). We always ran around together and played together. I can only guess that I might have made a very innocent remark to my parents (something like "I love M" or "when I grow up I want to marry M) and they flipped out, telling me how wrong and bad it was...I dunno, just a theory :c)

Throughout my teens, I was occasionally attracted to guys, but never anything serious (and, in retrospect, many of those guys were more feminine). I never had any sex drive and didn't really care much about the normal experimenting...I always just assumed that I was broken; born without a libido.

Flash forward to about 20 years old, when my (soon-to-be-ex-(thank-God!)) husband asked me if I thought I'd ever like to "be with a woman". Much to both of our surprise, without a moment's hesitation, I emphatically answered "yes!"...then wondered where the heck that had come from, because I had never (at least consciously) thought about it before. Over the next ten years or so, I mulled this over and realized that it made a LOT of sense...go figure, I wasn't broken, I'd just been barking up the wrong tree!

So, about a year ago, I met a woman, left hubby, started a relationship, shook up the kids and the rest of my family, eventually broke up with her and am finally coming to terms with who and what I am...all at the tender age of 39.