In the beginning....

DISCLAIMER: Mom, if you happen to find this blog, just don't read this. It's pg at worst but still lol

This has been the hardest thing for me to write about; not because I have a problem with it, but it's all just kind of jumbled up in my mind, and it's a little hard getting things into some semblance of order so that I can write it out and have it make sense to others. Usually when I write a blog it flows much more smoothly than this mess (and sometimes I'm even funny lol) but right now, I just trying to get out my background story so bear with me. Sometimes I'm prone to a little tmi, but I try to only go there if it's integral to the story ;c)

I grew up in a household with loving but very strict, overprotective and religious parents. My earliest memory of anything even close to sexual awareness was at about the age of 8; a friend had spent the night at my house and during the night apparently rolled over and snuggled to me. I woke up with her next to me and immediately panicked, thinking she was gay. At that age (and having been very sheltered) I didn't even have the word for gay...my cousin explained gay to me around 11 years old, when I'd asked a question about our uncle. The only thing that I can think of that might have provoked that kind of response happened when I was very little: I remember as a very small child (maybe 4?) following a neighbor girl everywhere and thinking she was just amazing (she was very mature...at least 6). We always ran around together and played together. I can only guess that I might have made a very innocent remark to my parents (something like "I love M" or "when I grow up I want to marry M) and they flipped out, telling me how wrong and bad it was...I dunno, just a theory :c)

Throughout my teens, I was occasionally attracted to guys, but never anything serious (and, in retrospect, many of those guys were more feminine). I never had any sex drive and didn't really care much about the normal experimenting...I always just assumed that I was broken; born without a libido.

Flash forward to about 20 years old, when my (soon-to-be-ex-(thank-God!)) husband asked me if I thought I'd ever like to "be with a woman". Much to both of our surprise, without a moment's hesitation, I emphatically answered "yes!"...then wondered where the heck that had come from, because I had never (at least consciously) thought about it before. Over the next ten years or so, I mulled this over and realized that it made a LOT of sense...go figure, I wasn't broken, I'd just been barking up the wrong tree!

So, about a year ago, I met a woman, left hubby, started a relationship, shook up the kids and the rest of my family, eventually broke up with her and am finally coming to terms with who and what I am...all at the tender age of 39.