MY MUSE

She left. She packed her bag and slipped out as I paid her no attention. The note she left filled in the blanks. She told me that I had stopped trying; I had stopped striving for more. She told me that I'd been ignoring her and that I no longer valued her presence in my life. She was right. Days...even weeks would go by that I would forget to admire her beauty, ignore her longing pleas for attention. She deserved more. She deserved to be appreciated; to have her allure reveled in... her playfulness welcomed. She deserved to have her praises sung... her multitude of glories exalted before anyone who would listen. More importantly, if no one else would listen, she deserved my unwavering awe and appreciation. I don't know where she's gone; I don't know how to find her. If I did find her, could I ever convince her that things would be different? That I would honor her in a way she deserves? I don't know the answer but I do know that my life without her will be cold and dark.

What if today is the day?

I didn't sleep last night.  Or rather, I didn't sleep long or well.  Today was the day we were going to look at our (possible) wedding venue - a barn.  A beautiful, decorated, perfect barn; exactly the right spot for our wedding and reception.  So, you may ask, if you were looking forward to something that wonderful and exciting, why didn't you sleep?  The answer is simple.  In this age of supposed enlightenment, where most people shrug off same-sex couples as no big deal, you still never know when bigotry is going to rear it's ugly head.  Although a great many people support our right to love whomever we choose, there are still enough around that can squash your hopes in a moment, with few words.  What if that was the case?  What if we showed up, looked at the barn and fell in love with it.....only for him to say he wouldn't rent it to a lesbian couple?  I know that there are other venues, other ideas, but I really had my heart set on this one; it answered several of our preparation questions and felt so right for us.  So I didn't sleep.  I tossed, I turned, I worried.  I walked, I cleaned, I read.  I didn't sleep - well.

The barn where we'll marry?

Morning found us en route to the barn, nerves jumping.  I kept telling Wendy "he seemed very friendly and very genuine, I'm sure he'll be ok with it" "I can't imagine anyone who had been that helpful from a mere phone call could be that cold hearted"....I don't know which one of us I was trying to convince.

We arrived at the barn with a little time to spare (the owner was en route but would be another five or ten minutes) so we walked inside to look around a little.  The downstairs was nothing special - a kitchenette, video game room, tv, computers and some open space.  I felt a bit let down; this was not all I'd hoped for.  We then moved to the upstairs.  Despite the handful of cars and ATV's that he'd started moving in for storage, it was clear that the place was a beautiful wonderland of romance and twinkling lights.  When he arrived and started flipping on the multitude of lights, my heart soared - it was amazing.  I was sold.  Heck, I was thrilled!  It was everything I'd hoped for and much much more.


Now, we came to the moment of truth.  We had simply introduced ourselves as "Wendy and Heather"....not "hi, we're the brides-to-be" or "here come the lesbians".  He could have assumed that we were simply the bride and a friend - that's a reasonable enough assumption, after all.  After some small talk and a tour, I could wait no longer - I finally blurted out something like "and you're ok with it being the two of us?".  I do think I caught him aback, but he smiled and said "oh, you wouldn't be the first".  And with that, everything was good.  My heart could return to it's normal position, my nerves could stop jumping and we could go ahead with plans for our wedding.  In a barn.  I can't wait!

A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 3)

This post is completely full of triumphs!  We've had several triumphs lately (which is infinitely better than tears or even the trials lol).  Here's what we've come up with:

Triumph #5 - We were chatting and Wendy told me that she was going to walk down the aisle to her music and then wait at the end for me (this had been one of my earlier dilemmas so yay! one more question answered!)

Triumph #6 - Wendy was talking to a friend who told her about a venue that would be absolutely perfect for us!  Apparently, there is a great big barn in the area that you can rent out for events.  This barn sits in a campground.  The reason that this is so perfect is because 1) we're rednecks and 2) most of my family will be coming from out of town so they'll have a reasonably-priced place to stay!  And, as a bonus, they already have the tables and chairs and it's completely lit up with fairy lights.

Triumph #7 - I had recently pinned an invitation that I loved but, being very country, it wasn't very appropriate with our (previous) venue.  Well guess what!  It's perfect for a barn wedding!!

Triumph #8 - The barn venue makes a whole lot of other decisions a heck of a lot easier.  We can all wear our cowboy boots; Wendy can wear a nice pair of Levi's with a dress shirt and vest; being relatively casual is perfect for us - with clothes and decorations; we'll have several country line dances, one of which will be videotaped on YouTube and sent to everyone attending so that they can learn it for the reception; I found an amazing dress that I'm just going to have to replicate because it is beyond amazing!!

This dress just makes me giddy.  Seriously.

A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 2)

I can't wait!

Triumph #2 (for the most part) - I told the kids.  As expected, my daughter and daughter-in-law were excited and couldn't wait to start planning;  also as expected, my son was somewhat noncommittal.  Unfortunately, he's had a much harder time dealing with my sexuality (but, in his defense, I'd lived a lie for most of his life; he's been much better about it since I've been with Wen but doesn't like to talk about it much).  When I questioned him about it, his response was "I don't know...Mom, I don't know" but he went on to say that he hated being in anyone's wedding (which I know to be true from past experiences).  Lucky for him, he still has almost two years to come completely to terms with it lol.

Party! - Together or separate?

Trial #3 - What are we supposed to do about the night-before festivities?  Do we each have our own bachelorette party?  Do we have a combined one with all of our friends and family?  Do we split up for a little while only to meet up for one big party?  I consider her friends and family to be my own and she feels the same for mine.  This is one we'll have to sit down and chat about.  My gut instinct is to have part together and part separately....but again, I kinda want to be with everyone while we celebrate. I think it might be fun to have a HUGE blow-out with all of us there. Besides, it's not like either of us would be out to sow any wild oats (at least she'd better not; I'll cut a bitch) (yes, I realize that sounds terrible, but it's actually just an inside joke with all of us so please don't worry....the knife will stay put away lol)

Ergh

Trial #4 - Money.  She makes a whole lot of it; I make a little tiny bit of it.  Somehow, though, I have to figure out where I can cut my monthly budget so that I can contribute to the wedding fund.  The one thing that I really have to offer here is the fact that I LOVE diy-ing it, and I want to do much of the decorations, cooking, etc. myself (and with friends and family).

(we'll probably opt for clothing for our wedding prep)

Triumph #4 - Friends/Family.  We have a lot of crafty and loving friends/family that will be not only willing but also excited to help me with all of the prep.  It is seriously one thing that I'm absolutely ecstatic about....just the thought of a bunch of us hanging out, getting things ready for my wedding makes me giddy :)

In a Nutshell ~ Who I am and how I got here - in a nice, clear and concise little box.

I grew up in a loving yet strict (homophobic) Christian home.  I tried hard to be the person I felt I was supposed to be - married a man (who ended up abusing me and drugs) had two wonderful kids, stayed home to raise them and even homeschooled them.  Early on in my marriage, my husband asked me if I thought I'd ever like to "be with a woman" and, although I'd never consciously thought about it, I gave a resounding YES!  From that point on, I played a painful game of tug-of-war between my sexual identity and my religious beliefs....fully believing the two had to be mutually exclusive.  I've made it my goal to try to let others (both straight and lgbtq) that God is not waging a war on us; that the gay bashing verses have been twisted and contorted through fear and hate.  It breaks my heart to see so many people turn their backs on their faith or to be driven away by the church itself.  It also breaks my heart to see so many people ending their lives because they just can't accept who they are. 

I believe I have a somewhat unique perspective because of my past, my current and my future.  I spent 19 years in a hetero marriage because I felt it was the "right" thing to do, despite the fact that I had come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian.  I raised two kids. I'm now out and proud. I'm engaged to an amazing woman.  I am a mother of two and a grandmother of one.  I'm a writer, an artist and a singer.  I am unique :)

A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 1)

Wendy proposed to me in July of 2012; that proposal included the words "some day".  Some day?  What the heck?  How do you say that to a girl?  You'd better at least have a ballpark date!  Not my Wendy lol.  We've discussed this several times over the last year and I never got anything more concrete than "I don't know, maybe 2030?" hahaha, yeah you're funny Wen - NOT!

My Beautiful Ring

It seems like lately, everyone has been on her case, wanting to know a date.  We went to a friend's wedding and they swarmed her, teasing, prying, encouraging.  My daughter and daughter-in-law have questioned her.  Most recently, we had a girls night, consisting of several family and friends - her family gave her the third degree!  When?  Where?  We want to know!  They got her narrowed down to August of 2015 (if her ever-changing work schedule permitted.)

Apparently, all of this interest has pushed her to the point of thinking more seriously about the details.  She came home from work this morning and said "well, I was going over my schedule and it looks like I'll have a block (9 days off that she gets every six weeks) starting on August 8...I'd like to do it then so that we have the rest of the block for our honeymoon."  Holy cow!  No way!

Triumph #1 -  I have a date!

Sensing a break in the "some day" dam, I proceeded to ask about colors (turquoise blue?) sounds good for both of us), dresses (for me mind you...and she wants me in something long and formal; I'm good with that too), location (she wants an outdoor wedding and reception at a local park with a gazebo...not my idea of fun, but I suppose I really have to bend a little bit here, right?)

Sincerely LOVE this!

Now that I've actually got a date - and it's not 17 years away - I decided to start looking around for some ideas (yeah, I know, who am I kidding?  I started planning before she ever bought the ring lol).

Trial #1 - The gross lack of wedding accoutrement for same sex weddings (unless, of course, you're seriously hoping for unicorns jumping rainbows while farting glitter).  There are, maybe, half a dozen cake toppers, no decent invites that I've found, and all of the little favors say Mr & Mrs....and yet, we do not fall into that category.

Thank you Paint! for helping me out

Trial #2 - What to wear? What to wear?  Not so much a problem with me because...well, I'm a girlie girl (most of the time; I do have my redneck jeans/boots/t-shirt moments too).  The problem is with Wen.  She is NOT a dress-wearing woman, nor does she dress in menswear.  She's a sneakers/jeans/t-shirt girl at heart.  I do like the look of a woman wearing a sexy suit or tux with no blouse under the jacket but I just can't see her getting excited about that.

Trial #3 - Who walks down the aisle?  Does she wait for me at the alter because she's the butchier of the two?  Do we walk down the aisle together, hand-in-hand?  Should we each come in, one at a time to our own music?  Ergh....I'm lost.  We do each have music that we want playing when we come down the aisle so I'm thinking we should come down one at a time to our choice of music (for me, I'm thinking maybe "Rest of My Life" by Bruno Mars and she wants "Let's Get Married" by Jagged Edge feat. Run DMC which is hilarious and so perfectly Wendy)  It's just so hard because the traditional norms don't fit us.

Reviewing, Revising and Reinvigorating

I have such a clear view of what I want this blog to be and, as I look over it, I notice that I've strayed. Badly. I found out yesterday that I'll be out of work for at least the next month (I recently had surgery) so there's no better time than now for me to do some serious work on this. This is where I want to work out my thoughts, compare the person I am with the person I used to be and hopefully touch/help/connect with others in the process. Keep coming back and checking out this blog....hopefully you'll enjoy it! If you're more interested in my fun side, I'd love for you to check out my blog on crafting, creating and organizing: http://thegiftedginger.blogspot.com/

Happy Saturday!

~ Heather ♥