A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 3)

This post is completely full of triumphs!  We've had several triumphs lately (which is infinitely better than tears or even the trials lol).  Here's what we've come up with:

Triumph #5 - We were chatting and Wendy told me that she was going to walk down the aisle to her music and then wait at the end for me (this had been one of my earlier dilemmas so yay! one more question answered!)

Triumph #6 - Wendy was talking to a friend who told her about a venue that would be absolutely perfect for us!  Apparently, there is a great big barn in the area that you can rent out for events.  This barn sits in a campground.  The reason that this is so perfect is because 1) we're rednecks and 2) most of my family will be coming from out of town so they'll have a reasonably-priced place to stay!  And, as a bonus, they already have the tables and chairs and it's completely lit up with fairy lights.

Triumph #7 - I had recently pinned an invitation that I loved but, being very country, it wasn't very appropriate with our (previous) venue.  Well guess what!  It's perfect for a barn wedding!!

Triumph #8 - The barn venue makes a whole lot of other decisions a heck of a lot easier.  We can all wear our cowboy boots; Wendy can wear a nice pair of Levi's with a dress shirt and vest; being relatively casual is perfect for us - with clothes and decorations; we'll have several country line dances, one of which will be videotaped on YouTube and sent to everyone attending so that they can learn it for the reception; I found an amazing dress that I'm just going to have to replicate because it is beyond amazing!!

This dress just makes me giddy.  Seriously.

A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 2)

I can't wait!

Triumph #2 (for the most part) - I told the kids.  As expected, my daughter and daughter-in-law were excited and couldn't wait to start planning;  also as expected, my son was somewhat noncommittal.  Unfortunately, he's had a much harder time dealing with my sexuality (but, in his defense, I'd lived a lie for most of his life; he's been much better about it since I've been with Wen but doesn't like to talk about it much).  When I questioned him about it, his response was "I don't know...Mom, I don't know" but he went on to say that he hated being in anyone's wedding (which I know to be true from past experiences).  Lucky for him, he still has almost two years to come completely to terms with it lol.

Party! - Together or separate?

Trial #3 - What are we supposed to do about the night-before festivities?  Do we each have our own bachelorette party?  Do we have a combined one with all of our friends and family?  Do we split up for a little while only to meet up for one big party?  I consider her friends and family to be my own and she feels the same for mine.  This is one we'll have to sit down and chat about.  My gut instinct is to have part together and part separately....but again, I kinda want to be with everyone while we celebrate. I think it might be fun to have a HUGE blow-out with all of us there. Besides, it's not like either of us would be out to sow any wild oats (at least she'd better not; I'll cut a bitch) (yes, I realize that sounds terrible, but it's actually just an inside joke with all of us so please don't worry....the knife will stay put away lol)

Ergh

Trial #4 - Money.  She makes a whole lot of it; I make a little tiny bit of it.  Somehow, though, I have to figure out where I can cut my monthly budget so that I can contribute to the wedding fund.  The one thing that I really have to offer here is the fact that I LOVE diy-ing it, and I want to do much of the decorations, cooking, etc. myself (and with friends and family).

(we'll probably opt for clothing for our wedding prep)

Triumph #4 - Friends/Family.  We have a lot of crafty and loving friends/family that will be not only willing but also excited to help me with all of the prep.  It is seriously one thing that I'm absolutely ecstatic about....just the thought of a bunch of us hanging out, getting things ready for my wedding makes me giddy :)

A Lesbian Wedding -The Triumphs, Trials and Tears (Part 1)

Wendy proposed to me in July of 2012; that proposal included the words "some day".  Some day?  What the heck?  How do you say that to a girl?  You'd better at least have a ballpark date!  Not my Wendy lol.  We've discussed this several times over the last year and I never got anything more concrete than "I don't know, maybe 2030?" hahaha, yeah you're funny Wen - NOT!

My Beautiful Ring

It seems like lately, everyone has been on her case, wanting to know a date.  We went to a friend's wedding and they swarmed her, teasing, prying, encouraging.  My daughter and daughter-in-law have questioned her.  Most recently, we had a girls night, consisting of several family and friends - her family gave her the third degree!  When?  Where?  We want to know!  They got her narrowed down to August of 2015 (if her ever-changing work schedule permitted.)

Apparently, all of this interest has pushed her to the point of thinking more seriously about the details.  She came home from work this morning and said "well, I was going over my schedule and it looks like I'll have a block (9 days off that she gets every six weeks) starting on August 8...I'd like to do it then so that we have the rest of the block for our honeymoon."  Holy cow!  No way!

Triumph #1 -  I have a date!

Sensing a break in the "some day" dam, I proceeded to ask about colors (turquoise blue?) sounds good for both of us), dresses (for me mind you...and she wants me in something long and formal; I'm good with that too), location (she wants an outdoor wedding and reception at a local park with a gazebo...not my idea of fun, but I suppose I really have to bend a little bit here, right?)

Sincerely LOVE this!

Now that I've actually got a date - and it's not 17 years away - I decided to start looking around for some ideas (yeah, I know, who am I kidding?  I started planning before she ever bought the ring lol).

Trial #1 - The gross lack of wedding accoutrement for same sex weddings (unless, of course, you're seriously hoping for unicorns jumping rainbows while farting glitter).  There are, maybe, half a dozen cake toppers, no decent invites that I've found, and all of the little favors say Mr & Mrs....and yet, we do not fall into that category.

Thank you Paint! for helping me out

Trial #2 - What to wear? What to wear?  Not so much a problem with me because...well, I'm a girlie girl (most of the time; I do have my redneck jeans/boots/t-shirt moments too).  The problem is with Wen.  She is NOT a dress-wearing woman, nor does she dress in menswear.  She's a sneakers/jeans/t-shirt girl at heart.  I do like the look of a woman wearing a sexy suit or tux with no blouse under the jacket but I just can't see her getting excited about that.

Trial #3 - Who walks down the aisle?  Does she wait for me at the alter because she's the butchier of the two?  Do we walk down the aisle together, hand-in-hand?  Should we each come in, one at a time to our own music?  Ergh....I'm lost.  We do each have music that we want playing when we come down the aisle so I'm thinking we should come down one at a time to our choice of music (for me, I'm thinking maybe "Rest of My Life" by Bruno Mars and she wants "Let's Get Married" by Jagged Edge feat. Run DMC which is hilarious and so perfectly Wendy)  It's just so hard because the traditional norms don't fit us.

Questions

They always say that women fall for men that remind them of their fathers; does that mean lesbians fall for women that remind them of their mothers? I've had to come to terms with that a little bit because (after a year of adamant denial) I have admitted (at least to myself) that my girlfriend is an awful lot like my mother. My mother was a frustrated jock growing up during a time that girls were discouraged from playing sports; there were almost no opportunities in the small town in which she grew up for a girl to play the sports she loved. When I was young, I can remember mom always playing softball for our church league, throwing the football around with the kids in the neighborhood and being front and center when there was a basketball or football game on. She carried this on by encouraging my brother and I to play sports and finally being one of the most enthusiastic fans at my son's football, lacrosse or hockey games. In the summer, she could often be found in her john boat fishing. My father, on the other hand, had very little use for sports (although he did enjoy watching hockey now and again), preferring to spend his time gardening or woodworking in his shop. My girlfriend is a wonderful woman who grew up playing basketball and would have played football had her mother let her. Football season finds her in front of the tv, yelling at the current football game; summer will find her out on her boat fishing or kayaking or playing basketball or tennis (with her favorite girl, of course). My mother and my girlfriend like to fly under the radar; don't rock the boat, don't upset the status quo. My father and myself are more likely to be in-your-face, outspoken and stubborn. So, if my girlfriend is like my mother and I'm like my father, maybe it's just that the dynamic works, despite the gender of the people involved. Maybe it's just a good fit.

Changing Times; Changing People part II

After moving back to Florida, things began to deteriorate. ExH started to reconnect with his old friends and his old bad habits. ExH would work all day, come home for dinner and then go right back out the door to hang out with his friends. There was always a good excuse - this one needed help with a car, that one needed help with remodeling - and it always kept him out till 2 or 3 am. By this time, I was pretty much raising our two young kids by myself. I was lacking sleep, depressed and overwhelmed; I'm sure I wasn't a bundle of fun for anyone at that point and I truly regret it....for the kids. My kids are amazing and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for not being a better mother to them; for not being more fun or happier. I wasn't allowed to work so I homeschooled the kids - despite everything else, this will always be a blessing for me: I got to raise my kids and teach them and I'm so proud of the adults they've become. You would think working all day then being out all night would be hard on someone, but ExH found a way around it. First he was diagnosed with ADHD and got a prescription for Adderall. It wasn't long after that before I found a tin full of pot remnants (which he vehemently denied were his....even though they were under the front seat of my car and no one else had been in it). Apparently those weren't enough; I caught his stealing pain pills from my disabled father and not long after caught him buying pills from a neighbor. Some of the pills made him extremely angry; coming down and dt'ing from others made him even angrier. He would pick fights with me and scream obscenities and put-downs in front of friends, family, the kids; I begged him to stop, told him I'd fight with him all he wanted, just please, could we do it in private. The worst incident was one night when we had an argument (about the fact that he was always out all night "with his friends"). He was angry and flew out of the driveway on his Harley; I was angry, sad and frustrated and I went out to the shed and got some old mismatched dishes that I was going to drop off at the local Salvation Army. I took the dishes and smashed them, one by one into the fire pit. When he came back, he came out to the fire pit and started pushing me around. He was out of control. He punched me in the right eye, turning me 180 degrees and fell onto my knees. He then came up behind me, put his forearm around my throat and pulled me up to where I was hovering off the ground - too high to rest on my knees, unable to get my feet under me and stand. He held me there until I blacked out; I woke up lying face down in the back yard in the middle of the night. Thankfully, the kids were with my parents for the weekend (he knew enough not to hurt me in front of anyone). This was the point where I decided that I would stay with him until the minute the kids graduated and then I was gone.

Changing Times; Changing People part I

He wasn't always a monster. When I met him, he was a sweet 18-year-old boy who hadn't had a great life growing up. Sure, he was too young to become a father but I was too young to become a mother...but he tried - for the most part. I watched as his parents treated him like garbage and ignored our children. although I wasn't in love with him, I did care about him and for a long time I loved him. I took my vows seriously and, even though it was becoming more and more apparent to me (and, to an extent, even him) that I was a lesbian, I fully intended to stay married to him forever. In the early days we even had some good times together. I think the downfall started when we moved to Florida - where he had grown up, where he had left his troubled past, where he had - at a young age - fallen in with a bad crowd. To be continued

Getting to know.......Me

Looking back over the last year or so, I'm really amazed at what I see. I went from being a miserable, sheltered girl who moved out of mom and dad's house, directly into my husband's...someone who was a bit stunted at age 19 (that's when I got married -- with my first child coming that year, and my second the next year). I'd never been on my own, never given myself permission to have a social life, and certainly never gave myself a break for all of my "failures". I stayed because it was what I had convinced myself that I had to do. At first, it was because I felt I'd made my bed and now I had to lie in it....as things got worse and worse, I amended that to "until the kids graduated". Despite this, I never really saw myself as being able to get out...I felt sure I'd be far too weak to leave because I believed that everyone elses' happiness came before mine (this included the happiness of the husband who mistreated me, lied to me, cheated on me and once blacked my eye and choked me out in our back yard after a fight). Thankfully, at some point, I started to realize that I really did deserve to be happy...I do deserve to live my life for ME. Of course, my kids still, and always will come first, but I'm learning so many things about myself all the time. I'm also doing things that make me proud (some of the big things for me have been cooking poultry - the stuff freaks me out - and opening my very first checking account that was mine and mine alone! It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people but for me it was! I'm learning how to be alone and how to be lonely - two completely different things, each with it's own merit. I'm learning who my real friends are and who didn't make the cut. I'm learning that life is too short to not make the very most of every minute of every day! I'm learning who I am and learning to be happy in my own skin. I'm learning not to give other people my power - some people will use me and some will hurt me, but they can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. I'm learning that it's so much better to be me - the person I really am; not some false image projected to distract people from the truth. I've learned that just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean that they'll stick by you when it counts....but the ones who do? They're the only ones that matter. I've learned that I'm such a strong, intelligent woman...much stronger than I ever knew....and I'm proud.

Revenge, Peace and Pickup Trucks

"The best revenge is a life well lived"

My almost-ex dh is now living in Florida, hiding from the child support system. He seems to really be enjoying life...and why wouldn't he be? He has no responsibility, no job, no stress. This has been a huge source of stress for me as I work two jobs, trying unsuccessfully to make ends meet. I'm at a point where I absolutely refuse to let this get me down; I'm going to conquer the hate and the frustration and the anger. My ultimate goal is to acheive true inner peace.

Update: 12/10/11
I just came across this blog that I started back in March of this year. It's actually pretty refreshing to see how much different my life has become since I wrote that. I'm going to try to create a bit of a timeline for you, so be patient with me ;c)

First, I'll explain the "pickup truck" portion of the title. Mere weeks before dh and I split up, I was foolish enough to finance a truck for him (because he'd ruined his own credit). Well, even after we split, he continued to drive that truck, while leaving the payments to fall on me. Eventually, he blew up the truck's motor and then kindly came and parked it in the side yard for me. The truck has since been repossessed (after struggling for several months trying to keep up payments) and it turned out to be a blessing for me....it was simply one more tie to him that I no longer have to carry.

Anyway...In March, I was still pretty stressed out with the whole (lack of) child support and ex drama. To add to it, my father was having a major surgery - one which he had a fair chance of not surviving. Shortly before flying to Florida to spend some time with my father and help my mother, I met a woman online....who lived in Colorado. We immediately became a tad obsessed with each other. This was such a crazy, unhealthy mess, but it kept me from panicking over my father's situation. I'm going to limit myself to saying that, after some tough moments, we remain friends....and thank heavens things happened the way they did because we'd have been a miserable mess together (and I'm sure that if she were to read this, she would heartily agree).

Let's see...April, lost my full-time job because my car broke down and I could no longer make the hour drive to work. I was lucky enough to pick up full-time hours at my part-time job we were barely scraping by; living paycheck to paycheck. DH still wasn't making child support payments, and if my parents hadn't helped out periodically, I don't know how we would have made it.

May - I had recently joined the online dating site "Ok-Cupid". Out of the blue, I received a letter from a woman that lived 170 miles away....yeah, that's right - 3 hours away. The thing is, I really liked her...she was funny, smart, sweet, silly and sexy (what more could you ask for?!?) Apparently, when she found me online, she thought I was MUCH MUCH closer than I was....lucky me ;c) Over the next few months, we talked on the phone, texted, e-mailed and occasionally, when her crazy schedule would permit, she would come down and spend her days off with me. She met my kids - they loved her and she loved them...will wonders never cease?!? Eventually, she asked me to move in with her. I thought it over...for quite a while. I would be packing up and leaving my kids (who were 18 and 19, one in college, the other working) who had always been my life, leaving the area where I grew up to move three hours away where I wouldn't know anyone. On one extended visit with her, I started putting in applications and having interviews. I was offered a couple different jobs but accepted the one at a local call center. I packed up, kissed my kids goodbye and drove to what was to be my new home. Ironically, I didn't end up at that job. They weren't able to get my background check in time for me to start classes so they moved me to the next set of classes a couple weeks later. In the meantime, needing an income, I went to a local temp agency who sent me to an interview at a drug and alcohol treatment facility...I was hired on the spot. As of tomorrow, I will be a permanent employee there and I love it. I work with some great people. My girlfriend and I are doing great - we're so good together, it's almost scary. We've got so many things in common and have such a great time together. She's been more of a parent to my kids than their biological father has been.

Update 8/13
As I look back and read this, I'm amazed at how angry and bitter I was. My life for the last two or three years has been full of peace and serenity, and for that I am so thankful. I feel like I'm a different person; I am a different person. I'm now engaged to my wonderful fiance, who has been the most amazing, supportive, encouraging partner that I could ever ask for! My kids love her, and she loves them (including our brand new granddaughter!) My ex-husband is still doing his best to be a thorn in my side (by hurting the kids at every turn) but I've learned to let it go and just be there to support them....no amount of anger or screaming or threatening will make him become a better person so I've pledged to take all focus off him and put it on the kids.

If you're in a bad relationship, if you're closeted and yearning to come out and live an authentic life, please, please, PLEASE know that it's never too late. You (and ONLY you) have the key to changing your life! Take hold of it and stay strong; I'm not promising it'll be easy, but it WILL be worth it! ♥ ~ Heather ♥

In the beginning....

DISCLAIMER: Mom, if you happen to find this blog, just don't read this. It's pg at worst but still lol

This has been the hardest thing for me to write about; not because I have a problem with it, but it's all just kind of jumbled up in my mind, and it's a little hard getting things into some semblance of order so that I can write it out and have it make sense to others. Usually when I write a blog it flows much more smoothly than this mess (and sometimes I'm even funny lol) but right now, I just trying to get out my background story so bear with me. Sometimes I'm prone to a little tmi, but I try to only go there if it's integral to the story ;c)

I grew up in a household with loving but very strict, overprotective and religious parents. My earliest memory of anything even close to sexual awareness was at about the age of 8; a friend had spent the night at my house and during the night apparently rolled over and snuggled to me. I woke up with her next to me and immediately panicked, thinking she was gay. At that age (and having been very sheltered) I didn't even have the word for gay...my cousin explained gay to me around 11 years old, when I'd asked a question about our uncle. The only thing that I can think of that might have provoked that kind of response happened when I was very little: I remember as a very small child (maybe 4?) following a neighbor girl everywhere and thinking she was just amazing (she was very mature...at least 6). We always ran around together and played together. I can only guess that I might have made a very innocent remark to my parents (something like "I love M" or "when I grow up I want to marry M) and they flipped out, telling me how wrong and bad it was...I dunno, just a theory :c)

Throughout my teens, I was occasionally attracted to guys, but never anything serious (and, in retrospect, many of those guys were more feminine). I never had any sex drive and didn't really care much about the normal experimenting...I always just assumed that I was broken; born without a libido.

Flash forward to about 20 years old, when my (soon-to-be-ex-(thank-God!)) husband asked me if I thought I'd ever like to "be with a woman". Much to both of our surprise, without a moment's hesitation, I emphatically answered "yes!"...then wondered where the heck that had come from, because I had never (at least consciously) thought about it before. Over the next ten years or so, I mulled this over and realized that it made a LOT of sense...go figure, I wasn't broken, I'd just been barking up the wrong tree!

So, about a year ago, I met a woman, left hubby, started a relationship, shook up the kids and the rest of my family, eventually broke up with her and am finally coming to terms with who and what I am...all at the tender age of 39.