Getting to know.......Me

Looking back over the last year or so, I'm really amazed at what I see. I went from being a miserable, sheltered girl who moved out of mom and dad's house, directly into my husband's...someone who was a bit stunted at age 19 (that's when I got married -- with my first child coming that year, and my second the next year). I'd never been on my own, never given myself permission to have a social life, and certainly never gave myself a break for all of my "failures". I stayed because it was what I had convinced myself that I had to do. At first, it was because I felt I'd made my bed and now I had to lie in it....as things got worse and worse, I amended that to "until the kids graduated". Despite this, I never really saw myself as being able to get out...I felt sure I'd be far too weak to leave because I believed that everyone elses' happiness came before mine (this included the happiness of the husband who mistreated me, lied to me, cheated on me and once blacked my eye and choked me out in our back yard after a fight). Thankfully, at some point, I started to realize that I really did deserve to be happy...I do deserve to live my life for ME. Of course, my kids still, and always will come first, but I'm learning so many things about myself all the time. I'm also doing things that make me proud (some of the big things for me have been cooking poultry - the stuff freaks me out - and opening my very first checking account that was mine and mine alone! It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people but for me it was! I'm learning how to be alone and how to be lonely - two completely different things, each with it's own merit. I'm learning who my real friends are and who didn't make the cut. I'm learning that life is too short to not make the very most of every minute of every day! I'm learning who I am and learning to be happy in my own skin. I'm learning not to give other people my power - some people will use me and some will hurt me, but they can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. I'm learning that it's so much better to be me - the person I really am; not some false image projected to distract people from the truth. I've learned that just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean that they'll stick by you when it counts....but the ones who do? They're the only ones that matter. I've learned that I'm such a strong, intelligent woman...much stronger than I ever knew....and I'm proud.

In the beginning....

DISCLAIMER: Mom, if you happen to find this blog, just don't read this. It's pg at worst but still lol

This has been the hardest thing for me to write about; not because I have a problem with it, but it's all just kind of jumbled up in my mind, and it's a little hard getting things into some semblance of order so that I can write it out and have it make sense to others. Usually when I write a blog it flows much more smoothly than this mess (and sometimes I'm even funny lol) but right now, I just trying to get out my background story so bear with me. Sometimes I'm prone to a little tmi, but I try to only go there if it's integral to the story ;c)

I grew up in a household with loving but very strict, overprotective and religious parents. My earliest memory of anything even close to sexual awareness was at about the age of 8; a friend had spent the night at my house and during the night apparently rolled over and snuggled to me. I woke up with her next to me and immediately panicked, thinking she was gay. At that age (and having been very sheltered) I didn't even have the word for gay...my cousin explained gay to me around 11 years old, when I'd asked a question about our uncle. The only thing that I can think of that might have provoked that kind of response happened when I was very little: I remember as a very small child (maybe 4?) following a neighbor girl everywhere and thinking she was just amazing (she was very mature...at least 6). We always ran around together and played together. I can only guess that I might have made a very innocent remark to my parents (something like "I love M" or "when I grow up I want to marry M) and they flipped out, telling me how wrong and bad it was...I dunno, just a theory :c)

Throughout my teens, I was occasionally attracted to guys, but never anything serious (and, in retrospect, many of those guys were more feminine). I never had any sex drive and didn't really care much about the normal experimenting...I always just assumed that I was broken; born without a libido.

Flash forward to about 20 years old, when my (soon-to-be-ex-(thank-God!)) husband asked me if I thought I'd ever like to "be with a woman". Much to both of our surprise, without a moment's hesitation, I emphatically answered "yes!"...then wondered where the heck that had come from, because I had never (at least consciously) thought about it before. Over the next ten years or so, I mulled this over and realized that it made a LOT of sense...go figure, I wasn't broken, I'd just been barking up the wrong tree!

So, about a year ago, I met a woman, left hubby, started a relationship, shook up the kids and the rest of my family, eventually broke up with her and am finally coming to terms with who and what I am...all at the tender age of 39.