Changing Times; Changing People part II

After moving back to Florida, things began to deteriorate. ExH started to reconnect with his old friends and his old bad habits. ExH would work all day, come home for dinner and then go right back out the door to hang out with his friends. There was always a good excuse - this one needed help with a car, that one needed help with remodeling - and it always kept him out till 2 or 3 am. By this time, I was pretty much raising our two young kids by myself. I was lacking sleep, depressed and overwhelmed; I'm sure I wasn't a bundle of fun for anyone at that point and I truly regret it....for the kids. My kids are amazing and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for not being a better mother to them; for not being more fun or happier. I wasn't allowed to work so I homeschooled the kids - despite everything else, this will always be a blessing for me: I got to raise my kids and teach them and I'm so proud of the adults they've become. You would think working all day then being out all night would be hard on someone, but ExH found a way around it. First he was diagnosed with ADHD and got a prescription for Adderall. It wasn't long after that before I found a tin full of pot remnants (which he vehemently denied were his....even though they were under the front seat of my car and no one else had been in it). Apparently those weren't enough; I caught his stealing pain pills from my disabled father and not long after caught him buying pills from a neighbor. Some of the pills made him extremely angry; coming down and dt'ing from others made him even angrier. He would pick fights with me and scream obscenities and put-downs in front of friends, family, the kids; I begged him to stop, told him I'd fight with him all he wanted, just please, could we do it in private. The worst incident was one night when we had an argument (about the fact that he was always out all night "with his friends"). He was angry and flew out of the driveway on his Harley; I was angry, sad and frustrated and I went out to the shed and got some old mismatched dishes that I was going to drop off at the local Salvation Army. I took the dishes and smashed them, one by one into the fire pit. When he came back, he came out to the fire pit and started pushing me around. He was out of control. He punched me in the right eye, turning me 180 degrees and fell onto my knees. He then came up behind me, put his forearm around my throat and pulled me up to where I was hovering off the ground - too high to rest on my knees, unable to get my feet under me and stand. He held me there until I blacked out; I woke up lying face down in the back yard in the middle of the night. Thankfully, the kids were with my parents for the weekend (he knew enough not to hurt me in front of anyone). This was the point where I decided that I would stay with him until the minute the kids graduated and then I was gone.

Changing Times; Changing People part I

He wasn't always a monster. When I met him, he was a sweet 18-year-old boy who hadn't had a great life growing up. Sure, he was too young to become a father but I was too young to become a mother...but he tried - for the most part. I watched as his parents treated him like garbage and ignored our children. although I wasn't in love with him, I did care about him and for a long time I loved him. I took my vows seriously and, even though it was becoming more and more apparent to me (and, to an extent, even him) that I was a lesbian, I fully intended to stay married to him forever. In the early days we even had some good times together. I think the downfall started when we moved to Florida - where he had grown up, where he had left his troubled past, where he had - at a young age - fallen in with a bad crowd. To be continued

Strong

I wrote this in September 2009 when my oldest child - Shaner - broke his leg during football two-a-days right before the season started.



I was strong as I sped to the football field. I was strong as I watched my husband carry our 6'1 230 lb linebacker son to the car. Strong as I drove him to the ER, listening to his screams and cries - this young man who doesn't believe in pain, who certainly never stopped for it. The young man who broke his nose the previous week while playing hockey and went to his doctor's office to get a release so that he could play football. My child - who won't even take a Tylenol. Strong through the exam and the x-rays and finally, as they moved him to his room. The room that he'd spend close to a week in while his friends started their junior year and prepared for the football season. Strong as I sat with him - night and day - trying to ease the pain as best I could, knowing it was useless. As they wheeled my baby, my first-born into surgery and through the four hours...shaking the doctor's hand, seeing the x-rays of his rebuilt leg. Strong getting him home and getting him settled; praying to find some magical position that would make him comfortable.

Strong until I stood in the middle of Dicks Sporting Goods looking for the only thing he wanted for school - new Nike socks. As I stood there, surrounded by football cleats, as I'd done so many times before with him, I stopped being strong. I cried. I sat on a bench and wept. It was so unfair; he should be standing there, excitedly picking out his new cleats, eagerly anticipating his first year of first-string on the varsity squad, explaining to me why he needed that $100 UnderArmour. Instead, he was home, in bed, in pain. I cried for the pain he was feeling, for everything he would miss out on this year, for the guilt I felt - when he came home on his break between two-a-days, he had said he didn't feel good...that he didn't feel like going back to his second practice. I wish I'd made him stay. I cried


Then, I came home, and again, I was strong.

Getting to know.......Me

Looking back over the last year or so, I'm really amazed at what I see. I went from being a miserable, sheltered girl who moved out of mom and dad's house, directly into my husband's...someone who was a bit stunted at age 19 (that's when I got married -- with my first child coming that year, and my second the next year). I'd never been on my own, never given myself permission to have a social life, and certainly never gave myself a break for all of my "failures". I stayed because it was what I had convinced myself that I had to do. At first, it was because I felt I'd made my bed and now I had to lie in it....as things got worse and worse, I amended that to "until the kids graduated". Despite this, I never really saw myself as being able to get out...I felt sure I'd be far too weak to leave because I believed that everyone elses' happiness came before mine (this included the happiness of the husband who mistreated me, lied to me, cheated on me and once blacked my eye and choked me out in our back yard after a fight). Thankfully, at some point, I started to realize that I really did deserve to be happy...I do deserve to live my life for ME. Of course, my kids still, and always will come first, but I'm learning so many things about myself all the time. I'm also doing things that make me proud (some of the big things for me have been cooking poultry - the stuff freaks me out - and opening my very first checking account that was mine and mine alone! It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people but for me it was! I'm learning how to be alone and how to be lonely - two completely different things, each with it's own merit. I'm learning who my real friends are and who didn't make the cut. I'm learning that life is too short to not make the very most of every minute of every day! I'm learning who I am and learning to be happy in my own skin. I'm learning not to give other people my power - some people will use me and some will hurt me, but they can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. I'm learning that it's so much better to be me - the person I really am; not some false image projected to distract people from the truth. I've learned that just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean that they'll stick by you when it counts....but the ones who do? They're the only ones that matter. I've learned that I'm such a strong, intelligent woman...much stronger than I ever knew....and I'm proud.

Revenge, Peace and Pickup Trucks

"The best revenge is a life well lived"

My almost-ex dh is now living in Florida, hiding from the child support system. He seems to really be enjoying life...and why wouldn't he be? He has no responsibility, no job, no stress. This has been a huge source of stress for me as I work two jobs, trying unsuccessfully to make ends meet. I'm at a point where I absolutely refuse to let this get me down; I'm going to conquer the hate and the frustration and the anger. My ultimate goal is to acheive true inner peace.

Update: 12/10/11
I just came across this blog that I started back in March of this year. It's actually pretty refreshing to see how much different my life has become since I wrote that. I'm going to try to create a bit of a timeline for you, so be patient with me ;c)

First, I'll explain the "pickup truck" portion of the title. Mere weeks before dh and I split up, I was foolish enough to finance a truck for him (because he'd ruined his own credit). Well, even after we split, he continued to drive that truck, while leaving the payments to fall on me. Eventually, he blew up the truck's motor and then kindly came and parked it in the side yard for me. The truck has since been repossessed (after struggling for several months trying to keep up payments) and it turned out to be a blessing for me....it was simply one more tie to him that I no longer have to carry.

Anyway...In March, I was still pretty stressed out with the whole (lack of) child support and ex drama. To add to it, my father was having a major surgery - one which he had a fair chance of not surviving. Shortly before flying to Florida to spend some time with my father and help my mother, I met a woman online....who lived in Colorado. We immediately became a tad obsessed with each other. This was such a crazy, unhealthy mess, but it kept me from panicking over my father's situation. I'm going to limit myself to saying that, after some tough moments, we remain friends....and thank heavens things happened the way they did because we'd have been a miserable mess together (and I'm sure that if she were to read this, she would heartily agree).

Let's see...April, lost my full-time job because my car broke down and I could no longer make the hour drive to work. I was lucky enough to pick up full-time hours at my part-time job we were barely scraping by; living paycheck to paycheck. DH still wasn't making child support payments, and if my parents hadn't helped out periodically, I don't know how we would have made it.

May - I had recently joined the online dating site "Ok-Cupid". Out of the blue, I received a letter from a woman that lived 170 miles away....yeah, that's right - 3 hours away. The thing is, I really liked her...she was funny, smart, sweet, silly and sexy (what more could you ask for?!?) Apparently, when she found me online, she thought I was MUCH MUCH closer than I was....lucky me ;c) Over the next few months, we talked on the phone, texted, e-mailed and occasionally, when her crazy schedule would permit, she would come down and spend her days off with me. She met my kids - they loved her and she loved them...will wonders never cease?!? Eventually, she asked me to move in with her. I thought it over...for quite a while. I would be packing up and leaving my kids (who were 18 and 19, one in college, the other working) who had always been my life, leaving the area where I grew up to move three hours away where I wouldn't know anyone. On one extended visit with her, I started putting in applications and having interviews. I was offered a couple different jobs but accepted the one at a local call center. I packed up, kissed my kids goodbye and drove to what was to be my new home. Ironically, I didn't end up at that job. They weren't able to get my background check in time for me to start classes so they moved me to the next set of classes a couple weeks later. In the meantime, needing an income, I went to a local temp agency who sent me to an interview at a drug and alcohol treatment facility...I was hired on the spot. As of tomorrow, I will be a permanent employee there and I love it. I work with some great people. My girlfriend and I are doing great - we're so good together, it's almost scary. We've got so many things in common and have such a great time together. She's been more of a parent to my kids than their biological father has been.

Update 8/13
As I look back and read this, I'm amazed at how angry and bitter I was. My life for the last two or three years has been full of peace and serenity, and for that I am so thankful. I feel like I'm a different person; I am a different person. I'm now engaged to my wonderful fiance, who has been the most amazing, supportive, encouraging partner that I could ever ask for! My kids love her, and she loves them (including our brand new granddaughter!) My ex-husband is still doing his best to be a thorn in my side (by hurting the kids at every turn) but I've learned to let it go and just be there to support them....no amount of anger or screaming or threatening will make him become a better person so I've pledged to take all focus off him and put it on the kids.

If you're in a bad relationship, if you're closeted and yearning to come out and live an authentic life, please, please, PLEASE know that it's never too late. You (and ONLY you) have the key to changing your life! Take hold of it and stay strong; I'm not promising it'll be easy, but it WILL be worth it! ♥ ~ Heather ♥